You Might be a Racer IF
by Ricke Katko

1. You have had a longer lasting and more satisfying relationship with
     the UPS Guy than any of your former wives. 
2. You have ever paid your Mastercard bill with an advance from your Visa
     card. 
3. You think the phrase "good head" is synonymous with Brodix. 
4. You think spending quality time with your significant other is having
     her help you bleed the clutch and brakes. 
5. You have ever used kitchen appliances like the oven, dishwasher, or
     freezer for other than their intended purpose. 
6. You think a "family reunion" is the SCCA Runoffs at Mid-Ohio. 
7. Your order of household expenses in descending order starts like this:
     Mortgage, Racing Slicks, Food,....... 
8. When you call Summit to order parts, they address you as "Mr." 
9. You receive a Christmas card from Hoosier Tire. 
10. You own more than two torque wrenches and one of them is in in-lbs. 
11. The last book you read was in paperback and published by H.P. Books. 
12. You've always associated the phrase "being blown" with super-charging
     or turbo-charging. 
13. Your garage has a security system but your house doesn't. 
14. You own a set of mil-spec safety wire pliers and know how to use
    them. 
15. Your hearing is degraded to the point that you can't discern that your
     wife is speaking but you can tell that the lash on the #6 intake
     valve is too loose. 
16. The vehicle you enjoy driving the most spends 97% of its life on jack
     stands. 
17. People tell you your car is on fire and you reply: "It always does
     that." 
18. The horsepower rating of the motor on your air compressor is greater
     than the horsepower rating of your lawn mower. 
19. When your wife rides with you in your passenger car, you think of her
     as screaming ballast (the worst kind). 
20. You have a turkey baster in your toolbox but have never basted a
     turkey. 
21. You own Tupperware but do not store food in it. 
22. You know how to degrease a cat or dog. 
23. The neighbors all know you but you have never met any of them. 
24. You think Tim Allen's T.V. show is a documentary series. 
25. All your friends wives or girlfriends see you as a threat
     to their happiness. 
26. You think Fine Cuisine is a double bratwurst at Road America or a
     McTrueman breakfast sandwich at Mid-Ohio. 
27. Your top ten greatest movies of all time list includes: Two Lane
     Blacktop, Winning, Le Mans, and Grand Prix. 
28. You subscribe to at least three of the following publications:
     Autoweek, Car and Driver, Circle Track, Road and Track, and
     National Speed Sport News. 
29. Your favorite authors are Carol Smith and Paul Van Valkenburg. 
30. You have 347 satellite TV channels but only watch one, Speedvision. 
31. The only cologne you have ever worn comes in 1 quart plastic bottles
     with an SAE viscosity rating. 
32. At work, people seek your automotive advice despite the fact that
     there is a piston on your desk with a large hole in it.