Messages Found in the Wastebins
a compilation of the insane rantings of
of the Intergalactic TELEX Office
Lucifer, The Prophet Earl, Dr. Odd,
Demosthenes, and Job
Disclaimer: This document is EXTREMELY surreal. If you are too mundane to
deal with it, it's not our fault...
25.50 35 Nardfrak 13339
If you do not hand over the orangutan, I will be forced to genetically
manipulate your children to resemble Michael Dukakis for all time. You
have 2 days, Earthling.
Dominion of Carnoblatt
40.25 35 Nardfrak 13339
Your hollow threats mean nothing to me. The orangutan is mine, and if you
do not concur, I will be forced to form a Pepsi-Cola monopoly on your
Terran Consolidated Suns
41.00 35 Nardfrak 13339Puny carbon-based lifeform, my people are loyal to the Antares-produced
7-Up -- they will drink nothing else. Anyway, our 4-dimensional
anti-trust lawyers will infiltrate your past to find your most sordid
affairs. Beware! Now, give us the primate, and the 2 billion crates of
tangerines you illegally seized, or we shall be forced to flood your
ball-point pen market with cheap fakes laced with the embryos of the
dreaded Biddle-beast, native to our colony of Meredith. You still have 2
69.55 35 Nardfrak 13339
The happy bombs should arrive in ten minutes. An ambassador from the
Shiny Happy People Society will meet with your leaders shortly following the
impact. (How did you know about the tangerines?)
70.75 35 Nardfrak 13339Our spies are everywhere, Earthling. Everywhere. Your happy bombs shall
be destroyed by our MDI (Melancholy Defense Initiative). Our dreaded
chicken accelerators have made a preemptive strike on your outermost
colonies. Prepare for war, Earthling. (We're keeping the SHPS ambassador
for biological study--we shall return the remains later.)
12.50 36 Nardfrak 13339
Your time is running out, Earthling. You have one day to return the
orangutan (in its original packing materials), the 2 billion crates of
tangerines, AND the DNA code implants from George Michael (our
experiments with carbon-based organisms have had some success in interrogation
If you return the orangutan today, we will waive our request
for the DNA implant. However, we will not reimburse you for the
destruction of your colony by our poultry accelerator. The happy bombs
that did not evade our MDI did not impact and did not cause many of us to
fall into spasms of ecstasy. You shall pay for the pleasure you have not
inflicted upon my people.
39.65 36 Nardfrak 13339
We have seen the error of our ways, oh great one, and defer to your
obvious superiority. A starship will leave shortly, bearing the
orangutan, the tangerines, and the DNA implants from George Michael.
Your sensors may detect approximately 15 kilograms of antimatter aboard
the vessel. This is only the fuel, and is no cause for alarm. You may, at
your pleasure, keep the starship, but we request that you do not, under
ANY circumstances, remove the magnetic access plate labelled "Do Not Remove."
This is our only plea, and a desperate one.
25.00 12 Dimblat 13339TO EARTH:
The orangutan rightfully belongs to the Royal House of Spandex. Alter
your course of action immediately, or we will be forced to put "the
squeeze" on you. Reply immediately, or face our Spandexian death
27.15 12 Dimblat 13339You have witnessed the destruction of the Carnoblattian Dominion at our
hands. Don't mess with us.
40.02 12 Dimblat 13339
The Carnoblattian Dominion was doomed anyway. I repeat-- return the
orangutan. We are willing to compensate you adequately. Our offer is 1%
of our stock in the chocolate planet Nestle, the reptile of your choice,
and microfilm of the Antillean annual defense board meeting & nude
ping-pong tournament. Don't make us angry. You wouldn't like us when
43.76 12 Dimblat 13339
We are willing to offer a clone and/or braintape of the orangutan. You
should already know what we will do if you do not agree to our
49.60 12 Dimblat 13339
A clone is not acceptable. We will add 15 liters of Rigellian slug slime
(which, as you know, is liquid platinum) and sensotapes of every episode
of our #1 tri-D program, "At the Nest With the Vorxes."
49.95 12 Dimblat 13339
50.50 12 Dimblat 13339
60.40 12 Dimblat 13339The orangutan is ours -- it evolved here. Got it?
68.33 12 Dimblat 13339
Not yet, but we will. The orangutan's DNA was a gift from your president
Springsteen to the CXLVII ruler of Spandex, his Most Elastic Majesty,
King Spang, 1997. We will also give you 1 year's free use of our psychic
stock market predictor.
68.90 12 Dimblat 13339Deal. Please allow us time to collect DNA samples so that we may
repopulate the species.
32.10 13 Dimblat 13339Deal. As a token of our goodwill, you may keep the tangerines.
35.22 13 Dimblat 13339
What was so important about the orangutan, anyway?
58.69 13 Dimblat 13339Our translator unit cannot find any equivalent terms for these concepts.
Please wait for Taylor series approximations...
Translator Tech, 9th
01.44 14 Dimblatt 13339
Well, loosely translated with all connotations and puns disregarded, the
orangutan is quite popular on Spandex. Our SBS(Spandex Broadcasting Service)
wants to add him to the cast of "At the Nest With the Vorxes" for its
500th season anniversary.
26.34 72 Aak 13340TO EARTH:
The orangutan is counterfeit!! You have deeply insulted the Royal House
of Spandex, the Spandexian Broadcasting System, and the Viewing public of
Spandex. Fallen ratings have violated the psychic stock predictor. The
nerves of planetary economists are stretched to the limit (literally).
Elastic death shall be yours!!!!!!
39.83 72 Aak 13340
We do not acknowledge such counterfeiting. The orangutan is definitely
genuine. We offer a crate of tangerines for you to carbon-date the
orangutan against. You will find that they are the same age.
41.23 72 Aak 13340
Accepted. If the orangutan is in fact counterfeit, prepare to suffer
total retraction of all elastic behavior from your planet. If it is
genuine, your planet's inhabitants will live most flexibly. Commencing
45.68 72 Aak 13340
Be sure that your results are accurate before acting. Have you heard the
fable of Pons and Fleischmann?
60.00 72 Aak 13340
Yes, typical [untranslatable]. Preliminary reports indicate tampering by
the Barbary Space-Parrots of Penzance. (Excessive hyperspace birdseed
content) In exchange for your alliance against the fowl space-parrots, we
offer guest appearances on the 502nd season anniversary special of "At the
Nest With the Vorxes" to every member of the Terran Council.
61.45 72 Aak 13340
We suspected as much. We agree. As a token of our goodwill, we offer 50
million crates of tangerines.
66.60 72 Aak 13340
Gladly accepted. How many members of the Terran Council can juggle with
one [no equivalent term] tied behind their back while blindfolded? [see
reference: Marx Brothers-- Harpo, Groucho, Chico, Gummo, Zeppo, Karl] May
Terra remain most squishily flexible!
67.43 72 Aak 13340Uh, well-- one. Random Fraxson, our chief chancellor can.
70.56 72 Aak 13340
It is essential to plot development. With permission I will immediately
dispatch a battalion of out most bouncy amazon juggling and anti-parrot
personnel. Personal instruction should commence immediately on permission
from the Terran Council.
17.23 73 Aak 13340
Chancellor Fraxson will teach the others of the Council. 15,000 Special
Forces troops with needlers and torches will be activated immediately.
Death unto the Parrots of Penzance!
19.17 73 Aak 13340
May salt forever be on their tails! We shall begin retraction of
elasticity. Death to the foul (fowl) Barbary Space-Parrots of Penzance!
23.54 73 Aak 13340
We are assuming you have liquid nitrogen throwers similar to our freeze
machines? We will provide the sledge hammers-- you clean up the shards (It
is recommended that you do this before they thaw).
25.72 73 Aak 13340
No. we use the dreaded mega-cheetahs to hunt down and kill. Saves on
Purina mega-cheetah chow, you understand?
26.46 73 Aak 13340
Ah, yes. we have the same problem with our gigapuppies.
54.45 23 Spindulak 13345
To whom it may CONCERN! Our homeworld is being attacked by overwhelming
numbers of cave squid! Immediate assistance is required coordinates :
55.87 23 Spindulak 13345
We do not normally deal with mere sentients, but in this case we happen
to have a flight of hamster-fighters in the vicinity. The lowly squid
should pose no problem for our dreaded spitball-rays.
Grand Amazing Incredible Admiral
75.45 23 Spindulak 13345
I am afraid our atmosphere is innocous to hamsters, oh Grand Amazing
Incredible one. It contains the dreaded compound Alfalfa Sulfate which
corrodes the pseudo-fur of the hamster-fighters. Besides the squid have
spitball-sensitive fuzz-busters and would surely avoid your
76.64 23 Spindulak 13345
Well, tough noogies.
35.76 70 Spindulak 13345TO THE TRANSUNIVERSAL WARPFLEET:
I have become aware that you have been travelling with
negative-inertia-drive engines. As you know, we at the IRS are determined
to enforce all laws of reality, and negative-inertia engines defy these
laws. They were outlawed in the 2nd transgalactic conference on Aldebaran's
third world Axofrigigine. Since you are stressing the boundaries of
reality, we are forced to fine you 3 billion maxodrillions (approximately
$300 Terran currency).
Intergalactic Reality Service
39.43 70 Spindulak 13345
Payment of such a staggering sum is out of the question. Prepare for war,
22.15 49 Bevel 13347
TO THE GRAND HEGEMON OF FLOORP:
Return the 5 million hand buzzers which you wrongfully stole from our
trans-hyper-ultramega-muckwarp freighter, the ISS Llama. If you do not,
we will be forced to use the popcorn gun.
27.22 49 Bevel 13347
The handbuzzers are ours, Ark'Flip. They evolved on our world and are
only capable of forming a symbiotic relationship with us. They WANT to be
here. Now go away or we shall plastic-vomit you to death.
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
Stupendous Badminton Player
28.45 49 Bevel 13347
We plead with you, it is his Grand Awesome Sliminess' birthday, and he
will be displeased if his guests do not have hand buzzers. We offer the
planet Soil in trade.
Caterer, 2nd Class
Lizards 'R' Us
28.59 49 Bevel 13347
Planet Soil, home of the Megaziplinary Hamster?
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
Ping Pong Player 1st Class
34,20 49 Bevel 13347I'm afraid not, but the
primates that live there would make nice pets/slaves.
Lizards 'R' Us
45.12 49 Bevel
13347AH! You must mean the inhabitants of the planet they call
Dirt! Worthless. Prepare to be hit by our whoopee cushion
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
50.78 49 Bevel 13347No! Please, we will throw in
the latest C.D.s by the "Transfinite Integral Powers." Their Graphs are
amazing! We may also send some C.U.s by the "Logarithmic Waveforms" if
Slug Fry Chef
53.24 49 Bevel 13347As you know, we are
mathematevores. We can hardly refuse your offer of "Logarithmic
Waveforms" (Ambrosia!) The inhabitants of Dirt may make useable
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
54.90 49 Bevel 13347Very well, we will initiate
the transfer on our paddleball transport launcher
Grand Ultimate Caterer
Igglepoppian Emerald Order
56.78 49 Bevel 13347
Good. You have heard the legend of the Tangerines?
Hegemon of Floorp
Rigellian Shipping Co.
Zblutt 13348TO ARK'FLIP, GRAND CATERER OF IGGLEPOP:
We of the planet Red have decided to withdraw that color from all use on
your planet, including on the orangutan.
23.17 11 Zblutt 13348
Which frequencies (in minoblips) do you consider "red"?
Grand Vicious Diplomat
25.00 11 Zblutt 13348
You are lucky mauve is not considered red. We will remove all frequencies
between 16,000 and 17,231 MINOBLIPS from your
28.62 11 Zblutt 13348
But 16,000 minoblips is infra-red and 17,231 minoblips is green light! We
will not allow such a thing! Prepare to face the Social-Class-Minimizer
33.33 11 Zblutt 13348You are a loonie. Redites
have no social class sense organ.
Zblutt 13348You mean...? We surrender. Please do not withdraw
40.50 11 Zblutt 13348
Ha! You are no better than the Dirtoids. We are... "fond" of them (if it
is possible to be fond of sub-classes of life). Keep your color. We want
a yellow orangutan. We find them amusing.
41.02 11 Zblutt 13348Go ask the Zyzzorozogians,
44.71 11 Zblutt
13348 Oh, my. We've killed him! Ritual suicide for the whole
58.21 11 Zblutt 13348Did something surreal just
60.24 11 Zblutt 13348
No. Wow, look at all those liberties falling out of the infinite. They
appear to be made of green.
61.04 11 Zblutt
13348Alright, that's it -- stop this right
61.05 11 Zblutt 13348[F/X:
Reality grinds to a jarring halt]
42.38 99 Effron 13360
Greetings! Earthling," We banana from the world of green platypuses?
Excuse us if, we do not spell or predicate! your (sentences)
45.20 99 Effron 13360earthling not we. PHREXI grand awesome
being certainly the most invincible us. post office stupid incompetent is
for all time delivering letters-theirs wrong places to. perhaps you
explaining why communicating to earthlings enjoyable to you
the pretty starship
49.99 99 Effron 13360.(??),!&.[#}?
51.76 99 Effron
13360explaining, perhaps is the you fool for us PHREXI the
meaning of these symbols-yours strange
17.76 50 Crashgrack 13360is the you alien flagellating the
rolodex-yours? we are all the time wondering, "what? behavior pattern
this is representing.!!!" PHREXI not the knowing. telling us, magnificent
20.88 50 Crashgrack 13360The Rolodex Flipping verily are the We Dirtoids. Worship Phrexi
You the Not Knowers Rolodex Ours the Dirtoids We. Behavoir
25.57 50 Crashgrack 13360the language-yours is certainly being
incomprehensible / your behavior / as. is not logical and demonstrably
intelligible / our grammar / like. you is switch to PHREXItalk or no more
the mr. nice guy. yowzers!
50 Crashgrack 13360Zounds! The You PHREXI Powerful is. The
Resounding of Retribution yours stings the Ears of the We
33.44 55 Crashgrack
13360OH MARVELOUS PHREXI GRAND AWESOME!
We who are but
slime of a million Spandexian slugs, we who lick the spaces between your
toes creep to your magnificence in humble supplication. We beseech thee
most humbly that we might in our lowliness destroy thee.
34.79 55 Crashgrack 13360overconfident arrogant is the you
fools imbeciles. certainly being destroyed within 5 years, by perhaps the
us PHREXI. giving us instantly now the brazilian coffee bean, or none the
Crashgrack 13360Ha! So you found us out, PHREXI scum! Well,
no matter! We are exporting the coffee bean to the Horxian Empire! Your
pitiful caffeine addiction makes me sick. Youe empty threats have no
consequence to me.
41.70 55 Crashgrack 13360
then, well, being that the considered you reply, we is no
choice but instantly frying the yours spaceship jalopy. PHREXI is all
time backing the threats-ours. very effective, we is
50.98 56 Crashgrack 13360
[Transmission intercepted, origin Earth]
All right! Stop this now. My name is Myrtle Smith, an English teacher at
school 73 in Muncie, Indiana. I don't know where you learned English, Mr.
Phloggelak, but it's terrible! You need some rigorous grammar classes.
Have you taken the I-STEPS?
52.46 56 Crashgrack
13360horror fright is the ours emotions!! certainly
reconsidering? this threat evil insensitive.! we is only lizards peaceful
innocuous. none the I-STEPs, agreeing? certainly the best idea, PHREXI is
58.94 56 Crashgrack
13360[Transmission intercepted, origin Earth]
That's what I thought, young lizard! Now you stay after school and clean
up the telex room floor. Do you hear?
60.03 56 Crashgrack 13360yes ma'am, certainly complying is the
[Transmission intercepted, origin Lesser Magellanic Cloud]
Salutations/I-We/give. I-We/apologize. Language/communication/sound/for
us/difficult/is. I-We/[untranslatable]/are. Pestilence/you/are.
To live/you/deserve/negative. But music good/you/have. Two requests/we/have:
Metal/thrash/we/want (vibrations/to us/soothing)
09.20 92 Zblutt 13361
[In the great flurry of all races to respond, this is the analysis and
translation of the only surviving messages available]
you/ugly aliens/pompous ones/weak-NGOYUL
if peaceful/if negotiate/if no insult/if no argue
you/random ones/unlucky ones
no getting/no eating/no acquiring
09.28 92 Zblutt 13361
Oranguutan/I-We/want. But/humans/better/are. PHREXI/me-us/send/negative.
09.35 92 Zblutt 13361
NFAYUL/many-minds/blind ones/language-users/separate ones
you/weak-NGOYUL/Behemoth-Eater/arrogant ones/ugly aliens
if eat/if ingest/if harm/if exploit/if kill
10.35 92 Zblutt 13361
Human/I-We/want. Humans/I-We/harm/negative. Humans/slaves/yours/are/query?
10.50 92 Zblutt 13361
92.02 41 Blishdek 13364
Earthling-unit, we of heap big planet Reinhold be requiring a food that
is a bit more difficult in the hunting/killing/chomping than be our
domesicated zooph beast, oh boy. Accordingly, then, thus, so, we wish to
rent your species-units (humans?) for good eating. Yum Slurp.
93.99 41 Blishdek 13364
Well, um, that's a bit much in the way of courtesy, isn't it? The best we
can do is give you 23,000 acres of Amazon forest for harvest and cattle
raising. Terribly sorry we can't do more.
Oliver North MCLXXXII
Grand Continental Ruler
94.05 41 Blishdek
13364Our special sauce is ready now, you bet. Get stale it will
if not used. We will settle for 10,000 rappers and/or/plus other societal
dregs. Goomph. Sending fleet of fast food dreadnoughts, we are. Prepare
to give up your protein.
17.76 42 Blishdek 13364We would like to order 6,000 gallons of your special sauce.
We'll label it as "Creamy Bulgarian" dressing.
McDonald's Planetary Manager
18.57 42 Blishdek 13364
Rappers, Rastafarians, and Used Car Salesmen are at your disposal. We beg
you, however, not to eat our grand leader Dan Quayle MCXCII. This is our
only desperate plea.
George Bush MCCIV
Terran Consolidated Suns
20.01 42 Blishdek 13364It is rumored that the eating/chewing/digestion/delivery of
basic proteins & amino acids to the brain cells / from Dan Quayle's head
is good for the virility and the intelligence. You Earth-units may keep
the (query--GANJA) Rastafarians in exchange for the Quayle unit.
Our Special Sauce is congealing, so please reply quick.
25.43 42 Blishdek 13364Well...OK
25.46 42 Blishdek 13364Hey,
what's in that special sauce?
28.33 42 Blishdek 13364Gracias, tenemos mucho hambre, y vamos
a comer la cabeza de Sr. Quayle [WAK*BUZZA*] Sorry we are, translator the
seems to on the blink be. Special the sauce, delicious, consists en una
parte de carne [WACK*BUZZAT*ZAP*] one part stalking gilk meat, zooph glands,
and pan-galactic gargle blaster. Yummers. In culinary ecstasy are
29.50 42 Blishdek 13364
THIS MADNESS MUST CEASE. THE REINHOLDIAN SPECIAL SAUCE CONTAINS NO
OREGANO. OREGANO, AS IT IS WELL KNOWN, IS AN AVATAR OF SPACE-VISHNU, AND
MUST BE INCLUDED IN ALL FOODS. WE HEREBY DECLARE HOLY SPICY WAR ON THE
INFIDEL REINHOLDERS AND THE DAN QUAYLE-SELLING DIRT DENIZENS. PREPARE TO
MEET PASTA RAYS IN OPEN SPACE.
IF ANY ATTEMPT IS MADE BY THE REINHOLDERS
TO SELL THEIR SPECIAL SAUCE, WE WILL MAKE THEM INTO A PERKY CLAM SAUCE
42 Blishdek 13364being what? the oregano spice flavoring.!
zounds! spice this tasting bad disgusting. old orleans certainly
offending the us PHREXI, warmongering the holy war;
34.78 42 Blishdek 13364Sin! Kill Phrexi grand awesome! War! War!
Advancement of Oregano
36.10 42 Blishdek
13364KILL THE G.S.F.T.A.O.O.!!!!
21.45 77 Nardfrak 13364
I, the great Fuzbom of Garklos IV demand that all races turn over rule of
the Universe to me. Otherwise, I will pull the wings off a
Megalomaniac of Garklos IV
30.59 77 Nardfrak 13364Yank away, varlet! I, Blix Quzxl of Loxx
IV am unimpressed by your threats. In my vast palace, I keep a stock of
butterflies merely to enjoy the pleasure of wing-pulling at a whim. Your
power is insignificant.
Blix King of Loxx
Lord of the Great
Yanker of Innocent Butterflies
42.62 77 Nardfrak
13364All right, yield up the Universe unto me, or I shall
kill a single person!
45.81 77 Nardfrak 13364Lo! I will do no such thing. My power is vastly more than yours.
To prove it, I will slay, for no particular reason, a married person. So
54.22 77 Nardfrak 13364
Have you no morals? Most people are stumped with the choice between
saving the world and the butterfly! And here, I only want to rule the
Universe, not destroy it!
57.64 77 Nardfrak
13364At last, you glimpse my awesome
60.39 77 Nardfrak 13364
ALL RIGHT! Either turn over your Kingdom... or I will destroy the
67.93 77 Nardfrak 13364
Go ahead...You don't have the guts!
80.00 77 Nardfrak 13364
Put it back.
86.41 77 Nardfrak 13364I really didn't think you'd do it...
87.03 77 Nardfrak 13364
At last, you glimpse my awesome callousness.
24.95 12 Dipthrank 13365
Unreality 7th level coming from we. Communication unhasty, unthought-not,
contemplative, yes. Prepared, you, perhaps not, unreality comprehend,
grasp, absorb. Nonspeakers we are thought to be. Through
time/space/dimension/fabric/crystal spheres communication emerges slowly
36.83 12 Dipthrank 13365Flip, Boingg! Schlurp; woogawooga?
37.97 12 Dipthrank 13365
42.00 12 Dipthrank
13365Thought so. Sproink, yourrp.
50.02 12 Dipthrank 13365Answering, Responding someone Knowledge
we sentient, superior are? We waiting can, many ages living we. Never
dying. We waiting can.
99.84 38 Dipthrank 13365TO EARTH:
The foul (fowl) barbary space-parrots of Penzance have kidnapped the
executive director of "At the Nest with the Vorxes." Production is
grinding to a halt! The show must go on!!! We are launching seventeen
amazon squadrons with full mega-cheetah backup. The Redites are complying
with our request for assistance. We respectfully suggest you comply with
your end of the treaty, or we shall have you cancelled
99.99 38 Dipthrank 13365What treaty?
*** NO RECORD OF SUBSEQUENT DIALOG BETWEEN SPANDEX AND TERRA ***
******** IT IS SUSPECTED THAT THE PLANET EARTH FELL INTO *******
****** RECESSION AS A RESULT OF A SHORTAGE OF ELASTICITY. ******
**** THEY DID NOT RECOVER UNTIL THE MIRACULOUS INVENTION OF ****
*** ADVANCED ELASTICITY SUBSTITUTE BY AN ANONYMOUS ORANGUTAN ***
32.23 40 Dipthrank 13365
Princess of Spandex! A dire rubber shortage threatens our plastic vomit
fields and whoopee cushion orchards. We seek elasticity, and you are
needful of tangerines. Perhaps we can strike a deal?
Hegemon of Floorp
Armchair Jai-alai Player
40.09 40 Dipthrank
13365The foul fowl, the Barbary Space Parrots of Penzance,
have kidnapped the executive director of "At the Nest with the Vorxes."
The miserable Earthling scum have refused to honor their alliances. We
are presently allied with the redites and have withdrawn all red Jello from
their planet as a warning. We are prepared to give you necessary
elasticity and all the tangerines you can transport, plus a share in the
spoils from Earth.
60.40 40 Dipthrank
13365We have decided that the Earthlings must suffer. While
the "novelty" devices we transport to Earth are normally dormant,
hand-buzzers have a working voltage of 1,000,000 V, and whoopee cushions
emit a gas inimical to the dirtoid organisms. We would like the tanger--
COMMUNICATION CODE 6283467.00032
You who talking be. Spandex. Floorp. Trans-sentient we be. No more
Exporting, Importing, Economic Transaction, Bantering, standing are we.
Power have we. Influence. Cease your actions.
(The orangutan is our spy, fools.)
INTERGALACTIC TELEX OFFICE
We regret to inform you that our office is currently flooded to capacity
with reports of orangutan disappearances. Stand by for further
information. All following communications must for a time be sent on
Intergalactic tachyon/neutrino coupled transmission.
Have a nice day.